Stalkers Readers: What you are about to read will be completely random. After two days of being back to work after an eight day holiday, this is how I’m really functioning at the moment. Dear Colors of Benneton: I rarely get to enjoy your company but I picked up some super fabulous things while on holiday. I can’t wait to show them off. Dear Chin-er Group: Be ready to sparkle, dazzle, and ooze Christmas cheer because Saturday is going to be just that. My goal for the week: turn this apartment into Christmas crack. Ready. Set. Decorate!
Yo, Momma’s Boy Home Improvements: Stop. So, she couldn’t put up with your crap. So, she couldn’t wash your clothes, fold your sheets, cook your meals, and wipe your ass like your momma does, but she probably put up with a whole lot more than your momma would. We get it. You’re lonely. I know I technically don’t have my degree for another seven days BUT I think I’ve mastered it enough to say you aren’t going to gain any business by putting your personal business out on the social media site like you do. And if I’m living in Latham and am going to hire you to do work for me, I’m gonna want to make sure that you know how to spell check because the bill currently reflects otherwise.
While eating dinner on the beach, barefoot, under candlelight, I had a very funny conversation with a semi-drunk seventy-something year old woman. One of the wisest, full-of-life people I have ever met. She asked me, “what’s the difference between a boy and a man?” I of course said maturity but she laughed and whispered, “the cost of their toys. Everything else is the same.”
I’ve got a lot of learning to do, because it’s true. And this my friends is going to be my new outlook on guys from now on. If I can handle a three year old, I can sure as hell handle a thirty year old. I just gotta think like a kid. And after spending the holiday with a three year old, this is what I’ve come up with:
- Always let him carry the keys. They get excited opening the door for you, whether it be in the elevator or a hotel room.
- Food or in this case, mudslides, will always be the key to a male’s heart.
- Whether he is creating art in the sand or on paper, always shake your head and agree that it is the most wonderful work ever.
- Pick out their clothes. Everyday. If you want them to look good, you have to show them what looks good. And then…
- Give them eskimo, butterfly, SHARK, or regular kisses (or all of them!) frequently. Everybody loves to be loved.
- Laugh at every joke. Even if you don’t get it.
- When they are sick, just take them to their mother’s arms. You will never care as much as she does.
Speaking of jokes, that woman on the beach told me this one:
A husband and wife were out shopping for urns because the husband was diagnosed with cancer and only had a few days left. On the first day, they found an urn made of pure gold and the husband said, “No. Too expensive.” On the second day, they found an urn made of silver and the husband said, “No. Too expensive.” On the third day, while shopping they found a beautiful glass urn and the husband replied again, “No. Too expensive.” Well, on the morning of the fourth day, the husband died. The wife brought him to the funeral home to be cremated and waited to pick him up. After a few hours, the funeral director returned to his office with a box of ashes and asked the wife, “Where should I put the ashes? You don’t have an urn picked out.” “Right here (pointing to the palm of her hand),” said the wife. “Right there?” asked the funeral director. “Right here (again pointing to the palm of her hand),” said the wife. So, the funeral director opened the bag of ashes and dumped a small pile on the wife’s palm. The wife blew a big breath of air at her palm, causing a huge dust cloud of ashes to fall to the ground and said, “here’s the blow job you always wanted.”
Okay okay, I might not be the best joke teller and it might not be the funniest, but it’s fitting for my profession.
And okay, this song is hideous. But it is STUCK in my head. Yes, you know who you are for putting this in my head. And you’re welcome. Now you’re going to be hitting repeat peat peat peat peat.
Did I mention that I’m done with school in seven days?! If you are friends with me, you better plan on buying me a drink. Oh, and I have two weeks of PAID HOLIDAY TIME coming up! Woot woot! You better believe I’m going to be a bad influence to the maximum. I have an announcement coming up so very soon in regards to what I’m going to be doing with all this free time on my hands… guesses anyone?