Typical Tuesday evening: just getting in after my fourteen hour day, change into my warm, comfy pjs, turn up the thermostat (because I can! it’s free!), and snuggle into bed with Roscoe. Usually there’s a snack thrown in there and a few chapters read/ summarized for the following Tuesday’s assignment. But tonight, I decided to snuggle in… and finally log in to my blog!
It has been weeks! And I apologize. I often click periodically to check on my favorite bloggers, and I must say, I’m pretty disappointed when there aren’t frequent updates. And I must also say that I was surprised after I think almost two weeks, to log in and see that people have visited my site each and every day– thank you! And sorry all at the same time.
I must also apologize for the lack of photographs for this entry; so much running through this head at this hour that I must capture it all before I forget. I did however, throw in some oldies but favorites of mine.
I think I had a little mini panic attack for the first time the other night. Financially, I blew a lot of unnecessary cash this past month. On mostly food outside of the apartment. It’s disappointing because a) I don’t have the money to be wasting and b) this typically means I am not easting clean. Which, let’s be honest, I’m not. There’s been a lack of motivation in both the clean eating department and exercising area. I know I should be doing it, my clothes are telling me it’s a must, as is the scale. But with this hectic schedule I keep making darn excuses. I know that beauty comes from belief- if I think myself beautiful, then others will follow. But with times like these, it’s a little tricky.
My personal life has also been lacking- big time. I’m focused so much on school work, I hardly see anyone outside of the office. None of my friends live in the Troy area and with the lack of time I spend in my apartment that I pay for each month, I don’t like driving homeward bound each weekend. My personal relationship is pretty rocky; we are both on opposite schedules and the lack of time spent together and with little communication- let’s just say tension is pretty high. And with all of these factors pushing all different emotions all at the same time, it’s pretty easy to hear that little violin in the background playing pity music for oneself. I have 50+ pages of research due in about a month, I continue to have bills like everyone else each month, and I continue to try to find one extra minute to text Joe or hour of time to spend driving to see him- even if it’s for five minutes.
And with this build-up, I panicked. I cried. I finally did my dishes. I took a bath. Cried some more. Thought about leaving my apartment behind to move home and save money and pay off bills and commute to school for the benefit of having company when I return home each night. But it was Roscoe that brought me back to earth. Even if I wanted to move home- I can’t. I have Roscoe now, a commitment I made to myself eight months ago, a commitment that I can’t bring home due to my dad’s allergies. I cried some more with this realization but came to the conclusion that I cannot give up on what I set out to do. I’m a grown up now. And yes it scares the crap out of me. Yes, I’m broke with literally $36 in savings, but I’m satisfied with many things in my life to be thankful for.
There has been a lot of tragedy surrounding my life these past two weeks. First, my sister and I heard of the death of a fellow Ballston Spa graduate- Betsy who was hit by a car on Route 9. Although I wasn’t close to her or barely knew anything about her, it was still a loss in our lives. The first graduate of my sister’s class to die. I remember when my class suffered the same loss; again not a close friend of mine but significant. Reminds one that we are never too young to die and that life is not a guarantee. With this loss, I am reminded by my sister. Someone who I have to come to love even more over the past few years- sharing a lot of life experiences and learning to tolerate each other more often (we used to be in fist fights when younger).
Two days later came the loss of a life in Amsterdam- a suicide. Not only unexpected but public. Again, not close friends but shocking. I couldn’t help but to think of not only the family, but of the significant other in which the suicide was done in front of. They are forever separated. Her belief may lead her to think that he will live on spiritually, but physically they will no longer be able to share the love that they’ve had for the past few years. No matter how trivial things are between Joe and I, I am thankful that I do have the option to turn to him during these difficult times. Even when I’m not in the mood to talk or interact, I can lay in bed next to him and feel him supporting me- just as he has for the past nine years. It’s a significant bond to break.
And then a few days later I get an email from a colleague and a frantic phone call from my mom- fire on second street. 149 second street. I had to stop work to pull up a map of Troy- I’m 170 second street. I quickly reassured them that it wasn’t me but had to text a friend to make sure it wasn’t her brothers’ place. And it wasn’t. I skipped class to go home and check up on Roscoe with all the smoke and all, to find out it was the Chupka’s home- she is a great member of the Troy community. They lost everything. And then this is when I began to think about what if I had lost my apartment in a fire. Not only would I have lost Roscoe but all of the material items in my life. Everything. I don’t keep anything at my parent’s home anymore, so the photographs, bed, clothing, coursework- would have disappeared. Within minutes. Is a death worse than a fire? I would like to think the loss of a loved one would be more significant but with the views of material items in one’s life becoming more and more important, I don’t know what everyone’s response would be. But I do know that I am thankful for every item that I do own- everything in my apartment I have either earned or bought myself. I cherish every item and each item has a significant meaning and home within my apartment. I do not have much but am thankful and resourceful and will continue to count my blessings.
With all this reflection, I will finish up my week- looking forward to the weekend. I will get to see Rocco and Agostino- Lisa is running the NYC marathon. Because I have class on Saturday, I preferred not to travel and stay home with the boys. Spending time with these children keep me young at heart. And it’s great motivation… if a mother of four can successfully run her THIRD marathon, than I will someday too!
Total can count: 4,380. I’m debating on what to do with the money. Although I can barely run a mile, I’m still planning on running the hangover half marathon; which means I will not be traveling to Texas. So the question is, what to do with the cash? Here is the list of options I have come up with so far:
- Put it toward my dreaded credit card bill
- Christmas presents seeing as I only have $36 in savings
- Pay off an upcoming dental bill
- Save it for China
- Put it towards an overnight trip away with Joe for an evening